Hoping for a better tomorrow.

It all started on one early November in the year of 2015 when I was sitting down in our living room in Antioch, CA. with my mother Teresa and sister Angela aka Koi lovee comforting me due to being denied access to spend my son Sean’s 10th birthday. 

After all, I hadn’t been able to see him since late February of the same year due to all his father’s side of the family seem to agree on the same page of their conclusion.

I had wonderful times when I used to spend some of the weekends with my offspring of which when I had extra money, I would take him to one of his favorite places which was Chuck e Cheese in Brentwood, CA. or Sky high located in Concord, CA. If I didn’t have any, 😂 there was a nearby park next to our house whereby we would be just enjoy each other’s companys’, swing together , run around, or just watch him play with other children.

At a time like this even though I don’t earn a lot, yet still much more do – able than the past, I would imagine the day I’d be able to take him back again to California Academy of Sciences in San Francisco, for he really enjoyed the dome last time so much when his uncle Peter, or also known as Gichuki took us using 3 free entrance tickets’.

It’s approaching his 11th birthday and since last year, during this season of late October till half way November, I tend to feel down hearted since our birthdays are 3 days apart, he was due on Halloween, but I told God to help me to deliver on any other day other than the 31st of October, for I do not condone the dark spirits that come along with on that day; moreover it’s not easy for me to celebrate mine also  without sharing the love, quality time, and the little finances I have with my son.

If it wasn’t my choice to see him at all, that’s totally different, but in this case, I felt like my choice, right,or hopes had been stripped away from me. 

Why? because of so many wrong decisions I made in the past. Was I willing to change for the better and make things better? Yes! Am I a perfect human? No!, but I’m capable of being a better me.

Back to where it all started – ……

As I was crying on that fateful night, it got to a point I told God and myself I’m tired of crying everyday. 

As soon as my mother and sister comforted me, even though they were hurting themselves too due to them being ransacked from their rights too as a biological grand mother and aunty, I wiped away my tears and told God to please give me happiness and joy out of these since the only thing that was remaining in my spirit was the fulfillment of all the dreams that were yet to be fulfilled. 

As days passed, I noticed a couple of the dreams had surprisingly been actualized by God himself to the exact detail. 😱 

Meanwhile,  I found a way to numb my inner pain. Instead of closing my eyes in the name of going into a deep sleep, or purposely drinking myself till I experienced a black out, I chose to listen and read to a couple of motivational speakers like: ” Joyce Meyer’s Battle Field of the mind, lot’s of Joel Osteen books’, and Heaven is so real by: Choo Thomas. 

Since suicide was out of the question anymore, as I read Heaven is so real it made me to dream about having a heaven on this 🌏 while I’m still alive. Battle field of the mind opened up my understanding about what thoughts can do to us depending on how we want them to control us. 

Before I came across that DVD, I always had thoughts of self – pity, bummer, regret, ugly, and all the words that made me to feel shameful about my past choices in general. 

As soon as I heard the powerful words that Joyce Meyer spoke, the first thing that came into my mind was: OH! so the DEVIL had been lying to me all this time. 

I think I listened and watched to those teachings for so many days consecutively since it was not only entertaining, but also I was intrigued to notice that the way how my spirit felt before, started to transform into a better self – realization moment. 

I will never forget the first time I heard Pastor Joel Osteen speak on the television broadcast; I honestly had thought he was high on something like:

His words sounded too good to be true, or so I thought! Anyways I told God could you please make me to feel ” high ” like that whether be it fake it till I made it, or somewhat all I knew is that I needed to feel ” high ” and so happy inspite of what my natural norm might be.

Due to all that, that’s where the renewal, or the dawning of my mind began!

I also thank God for the people that he gave me the chances and various opportunities to hang around with, for I also found an inner healing by being outdoors and just enjoying nature while admiring the little things that I come across. 

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Since Nov 3-6 is fast approaching and even though I was amazed to see my son un – expectedly for almost ten – twenty minutes max on October 29th, 2016 at my fellow Kenyan neighbor’s house that is 2 stop lights from my home, I  will try my best to hope that his father is going to allow me to spend his birthday with him. 

If not, I know I will definitely cry and hopefully snap quickly out of it, go into that fantasy world 🌎 of mine that has been working well for me to ease my pain, or who knows! might be have the so called bi – polar type of laughter that makes me to cry, scream, shout, drool tears as I start laughing in the middle of it all.

I thank God though that my son Sean Thumbi Mbuthia is being taken well care of by all his father’s side of the family for I know that they want the best out of him too.

My questions to them and those that support his sound decision though  are:

1.) What are you gaining from keeping his son purposely away from his biological mother who wants to be re – united with his son and spend quality time with him?

2.) I understand that we are all hoping that Sean is going to do very well education, and moral wise, but what gain do u get by inflicting our son with words of making him to indirectly despise his mother by inflicting him with the past and by adding more sugar and spice into it?

3.) Are you a god, or a perfect human being yourself?

4.) Have you thought of the personal damages you are inflicting him more internally by the choice of words you decide to tell, or remind him?

5.) There is a reason  why God  gave Sean to both you and I. Not your new wife and yourself…it was your sperms inside my vagina….both of our DNAs’ combined.

7.) A Scorpio and a Saggitarus being blessed with another Scorpio. 

8.) I wish I could know what is going through your mind, but unfortunately I can’t. 😂 when you deny Sean to see any of his biological mother’s side of the family, what is the gain?

I wish I could just try to fathom all these. This is not like those types of movies that we’re dealing with a drug addict mother who doesn’t even want to change at all. 

If it’s about my high – energy spirited, bold, interesting, disposition, that’s a different thing because it’s an in – born thing and as I progress more carefully, I am still learning how to express myself more into different types of skills.

I can go on and on, BUT! I will let it settle there.

Those are some of the types of thoughts that run through my mind when you happen to see me sitting on a distant corner by myself either crying profusely even inside in a night club, or just at a regular gathering.

😂😂 anyways the happy bipolar character is kicking in and I’m super duper excited to see where all these will end to. 

A happy and a joyous mother who misses her child so much. ❤️😘❤️

Fingers crossed: I told my mother to call my son’s father’s side of the family to see if they will allow me to see him hopefully one of these coming weekends so I can spend time with him, but since they stopped picking up any of our phone calls, or even as a courtesy to reply back, oh well! we shall see…..

I just chose to live by faith, not by sight, being happy, enjoying the dance to each music as it comes, for I’ve come to believe there is a reason for everything.

My advice to you all: 

A couple of them are: 

1.) Before you indulge yourself sexually ask yourself: do you really want to have a soul tie with the person your going to decide to sleep with, for a piece of you will be left with him and vice versus forever.

2.) If a man is older enough than yourself,  proceed with caution. I was too naive at 17 years of age sleeping with a mate who was 5 years older than me. As a girl then, I had thought that by nature he should have made proper decisions for the both of us, but what was I thinking then? It was just a hard – veined dick meeting a un – tapped tiny hole.

3.) I honestly do not support abortions even though I had 2 of them by the same man, BUT!!!!! before you decide to keep a pregnancy, honestly think twice, thrice, or more than that if need be. 

Some decisions we make honestly affects our future. At that time, I honestly didn’t look that much further into it. 

If honestly I had known that both our families would crash due to our total different characters like: the differences in these things listed, I’d have dug deeper into my soul how I did and I bet, I’d have decided on a different decision making. 

salt & sugar,

thunder & lightning vs: the mild clouds,

hell & heaven,

prideful & humble,

entertaining & reserved,

Anyways that did not happen as I think now at almost twenty nine years of age in 3 days from now to come, so there has to be a reason for everything. 

Right!!!!

I bet many people might be wondering why don’t I go to back to the court and all that…..

I totally understand. I would do it if I wanted to, so that I can at least see my son right!, but I’m also looking for the long – term run for him. 

I believe he is doing well education, financial wise, and all the good things I can wish him all the best in. 

Moreover I know he is being taken good care of, loved by his father’s side of the family too, so all I can do for now is just to remain optimistic, joyous, and happy. 

Moreover, some of the stuff that we go through in life are more in a spiritual manner. As in: even though I have legal papers that says we do share custody, but if the physical custodian guardian doesn’t pick up his phone, nor reply, nor don’t even know his real whereabouts, 😂 that’s a dead trap. 😂😂

I can only hope for the day that the whole clan will agree for me to see my son and spend time with him because it’s not that easy.

I’m grateful though for everything they are doing, they are amazing, smart, beautiful, handsome, and hard working people. 

Furthermore I do believe that their morals are on point. Mine on the other hand, 😂😂 they are just too real by being real if you know what I mean.

I can’t believe my son is almost turning 11 y’all in 6 days from now. I’m super duper excited in my spirit.

Just the other day I went into labor on a Nov 5th, 2005 and God blessed me with Sean Thumbi Mbuthia at 6.32 a.m on the following Sunday morning.

What a lovely coincidence: born on a Sunday and his up – coming birthday is on this coming Sunday in Nov. 6th, 2016.

😱😘😘❤️❤️

So if you see me cry in a corner by myself, 😂😂 just cheer me up as I continue to do the same by saying: let the will of God be done in our lives, for he is the main author and publisher of our lives. 

I just remembered too: the people from the Bible stories like Isaac mothers’s promise to her by God took her a long time, but still the Almighty God was never late to bless her with a son of her own right!

My faith is still up Lord because of you. 

I can only imagine the day that my son and I will be fully re – united. 

In the mean time though: 

👌🏽 I will keep listening and reading to many motivational and inspirational books and songs which is: my first juju that has instilled my spirit with a continuation of a renewed hope about God, this 🌎 , and of what is yet to come.

👌🏽 I will still keep singing praises to God inspite of the natural circumstances for he alone knows what up, the beginning and the end. 😘

👌🏽Explore more on: expressing by writing, dancing, hopefully poetry, the list is endless.

👌🏽 Keeping my faith up reminding myself always on the dreams that God had shown to so many people regarding my life in general. 😂😂 what a coincidence. Now I get it God, kinda a!, but I still don’t understand why me though. ( self – pity )

👌🏽 Having an open minded approach on what God has instilled for all us . 

👌🏽 Enjoy the company of my encouragers’ in life.

👌🏽 Mostly also being outdoors as much as I can by enjoying mostly everything that I come across whether be it a bird, plane, human beings, cars, houses, u name it. 

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😳🌏🤔😱 I guess it’s just one of those life lessons we go through and …..

as it says, Let go, and LET GOD. 

​Just FYI: Even though I had never been married to anyone, nor to my son’s father, I personally named my son’s last name as his father, for he was quite a run – away when I was pregnant for him and I didn’t want his son to question me about his father when he grew up, for we never knew about the day after and even during at that time….lol there were already too many RED FLAGS’ by then. 

Thank you my readers: Shiro Thumbi aka crownshi12 on IG. 😘